Making My Marriage Work

    As I concluded reading Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” I sat and considered all I had read and learned and whether I felt as though it had made a difference in my marriage.  Had I really learned how to make my marriage work or just what wasn’t working in my marriage?

    I have definitely felt an impact from this book but not in the way I expected.  I thought this book would teach me how to change my husband.  Maybe teach me tricks and tips to get him to do what it is I expected or needed.  In reality, I learned what it was about myself that needed changed.  I learned some of my weaknesses, strengths, and some qualities about myself I didn’t even know I possessed.       Making my marriage work isn’t about what my husband is doing imperfectly but rather me finding what is perfect about my husband.  I obviously fell in love with him years ago and it is my responsibility as his wife to remember and support those qualities.

    Following some of the guidance and activities listed in Gottman’s book brought my husband and I so much closer together. We have learned to truly communicate and listen.  We no longer worry solely about our own agenda but rather the feelings and thoughts of the other person.  We no longer feel the need to endlessly defend our own position but to consider the position held by the other person.  We don’t stand our ground but rather share it with each other.

    I am beyond grateful for this book and intend to reread it often.  The teachings within it go right along with what I believe as a Latter-Day Saint regarding marriage and family.  I know that this book has forever blessed my marriage. 

If you are interested in owning this book you can buy it here:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466630900&sr=1-1&keywords=the+seven+principles+for+making+marriage+work

"Agency and Anger"

In Lynn G Robbin’s talk “Agency and Anger” he says, “A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control” (Robbins, 1998).  This is something, unfortunately, that I am very familiar with.  I often fail to control my anger, unleashing a monster on my undeserving husband.  My anger, although I have tried to justify it, is not appropriate, helpful, or becoming.  I have never once used this emotion to resolve a conflict but as it has only aided me in perpetuating the contention with my husband.

Later, in that same talk, Lynn G. Robbins says, “Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control”.  I do not find this information to be validating but rather I feel motivated.  I feel motivated to do everything I can to not give up any part of myself to Satan’s control.  Knowing now that this is a tool used by Satan makes me want to do everything I can to stop losing control.  I want to exert an awareness within myself whenever I start to lose my temper.  I want to do all I can to emulate the actions of Jesus Christ.  He had many opportunities during his earthly ministry to become angry while here on earth, yet he never did.  His grace and self mastery are something I want to foster within myself. 

Silent Fight

“Is there anything more weak or beggarly than the disposition to wear out one’s life in an unending round of bitter thoughts and scheming gestures toward those who may have affronted us?” 

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Allowing negative thoughts to fester is something I am guilty of.  When I have been let down, forgotten, or offended by my husband I often choose to fight with him in my head rather than initiate a conversation regarding how I feel. 

There have been many nights where I have laid my head down with angry words swirling through my mind, heart racing, and fists clenched.  My husband, laying beside me, ignorant to my feelings.  This is not healthy for my marriage or my well-being.  I am choosing to destroy a relationship without ever asking my husband for help in repairing it.  I am selfishly choosing to tear a relationship apart that I cherish more than any other.

I have often reflected on nights spent in self imposed emotional isolation and wondered how I could make it different? What can I do to avoid situations like this?

This week I was reading H. Wallace Goddard’s book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” and was confronted with the principle of pride, humility, and repentance.  Through realizing the pride that exists within myself I can exercise humility.  I can humbly approach my Savior asking for the grace of His Atonement to forgive me for my selfishness.  Just like any other obstacle I face within this mortal life I can turn to my Heavenly Father and his Only Begotten Son.  Through them I can change.  I can align my will with His and become the daughter He divinely created. 

I do not want to waste any time being silently angry.  I believe feeling angry is not something that innately is bad, but something that can be used as a tool for growth and change. 

I am grateful for the Atonement and its universal application.  I am grateful that Jesus Christ gave his life so that I can repent and grow.  I cherish my eternal relationship with my husband and want nothing more than to spend every interaction with him in a positive way. 

 “…My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness…” 

Corinthians 12:9

Every human being on the planet was designed with a divine purpose, with intent, and with a goal.  Every person chose to come to earth to be tested and tried.  None of us are perfect and all of us have many lessons to learn and trials to endure.  Now, lets take two of these imperfect yet divinely, perfectly crafted people and unite them through marriage.  Let’s watch as they learn to blend their lives, mixing their faults, insecurities, and weaknesses.

Marriage is hard.  It takes traits and capabilities many people do not possess naturally.  A person has to learn to make sacrifices, swallow their pride, show empathy and compassion, and learn enduring acceptance. 

By turning to Jesus Christ we can accomplish more than we could ever do alone.  He knows us.  He knows our spouse.  He understands our emotions, situations, and thoughts.  He is the Being who can give us the comfort we seek, the strength we are desperate for, and the capabilities we hopelessly require.

I am not the same person that I was when I married my spouse 5 years ago.  I was not this kind, patient, loving, forgiving, or thoughtful.  I know that all of my growth has come through my Savior.  I know that He supports marriages that contain people who turn towards him, who truly seek his guidance, and who want to understand his will.

When Adam and Eve were removed from the Garden of Eden they were supported as they bore the new trials and hardships they had never experienced.  Imagine for a second the experiences they endured and the way in which they did so TOGETHER with CHRIST.