"One Flesh"

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh”

Genesis 2:24

My marriage has been one of the greatest decisions I have every made.  Not because it has made me happy continuously or because it has been easy.  I am eternally grateful for my marriage because it has allowed me to grow.  I have grown personally; developing characteristics and traits I didn’t know I was capable of.  I have also been given the opportunity to forge this life with a man who completes me.  We work and endure side by side with our sights set on eternal life. 

It has taken us both some time to understand the concept of becoming united without the interference of family or friends.  I, too often, have turned to my mother when my husband was the person I should have sought.  I have admitted too many negative qualities to my family, hindering their right to see his positive qualities.  I have now created a relationship between my family and my husband where he is striving to change their opinions, many of which are unwarranted, based on what I have told them.  This is extremely unfair and I feel awful.

As more children enter our family my husband and I have realized the important part our families have played in who we are, how we parent, and the husband and wife we are.  I love the quote “parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly”.  Our parents have done the best they can to teach and guide us and it is now time for us to create our own family unit.  

Discipline

While reading Richard B. Miller’s address titled, “Who’s the Boss? Power Relationships in Families” I was struck by his discussion regarding discipline.  One of the most challenging parts of parenthood for me has been disciplining my children.  Not necessarily because I do not want to punish them, but rather because I am worried about choosing the best course of punishment, how to enact it, and how to be consistent with it.  My children are four years old and under and so their needs, expectations, maturity, and development are rapidly changing.  It is necessary for my disciplining techniques to adjust as well, which isn’t always any easy task.
Spencer W. Kimball said, “Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him”.  I know this to be true.  I came from a home where discipline was threatened often but never followed through.  I remember feeling frustrated at the inconsistency and eventually it led me to not respect the words of my mother.
I am grateful for my role as a mother and the opportunity it gives me to teach and guide my children. Although disciplining my children isn’t my favorite part I know that it is vital to them growing up to be trustworthy, resilient, obedient adults.  I am also grateful for the unity my husband and I have in regard to this difficult parenting task.  I could not be the mother I am today if it wasn’t for my spouse. I am also thankful for the guidance I receive from my loving Heavenly Father.  He is the creator of my children and I want nothing more than to raise them according to His will.

Contemplating "Someone"

President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.”

In my five years of marriage I have been tempted to turn away from my husband, not into the arms of someone else, but emotionally, physically, and mentally.  Years of my marriage were spent questioning my decision. Wondering if there could be someone else out there who would be better suited for me.  Someone who didn’t possess the overwhelming shortcomings that my husband seemed to be plagued with.  Someone who would love me in a way that my husband seemed incapable of doing.

I spent time contemplating a “someone” rather than the man who I had fallen in love with, chose to be sealed to for eternity, and shared the bonds of children with.  I wasted my efforts constructing an image of a better man that I believed I deserved rather than turning that energy toward constructing a better wife for my husband.  The fantasies of a better man never turned to reality, but within my head I had planted seeds of doubt, selfishness, ingratitude, contempt, frustration, and unrest.  These seeds grew into a depression.  The darkness that penetrated my heart, mind, and soul were inescapable.  I believed my emotional unhappiness to be a direct result of the shortcomings of my husband.  I blamed him.  I disliked him.  And eventually I hated him.

I couldn’t tell you the moment when I realized the true source of my unhappiness, but I can tell you that it was truly understanding and applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ that turned my marriage around.  It was the sudden realization that I was the one that needed to seek forgiveness and not my husband.  Relief from the depression didn’t disappear instantly but a light did enter into my marriage, allowing me to navigate the different obstacles that I had built between my spouse and myself through my sin.

I am eternally grateful for the power of the Atonement and the relationship that I now have with my Heavenly Father and my husband.  The blessings I have experienced because of my marriage I know, without a doubt, are mine because of the man I chose to marry.  He is not a perfect man, but a man who is perfect for me.

Making My Marriage Work

    As I concluded reading Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” I sat and considered all I had read and learned and whether I felt as though it had made a difference in my marriage.  Had I really learned how to make my marriage work or just what wasn’t working in my marriage?

    I have definitely felt an impact from this book but not in the way I expected.  I thought this book would teach me how to change my husband.  Maybe teach me tricks and tips to get him to do what it is I expected or needed.  In reality, I learned what it was about myself that needed changed.  I learned some of my weaknesses, strengths, and some qualities about myself I didn’t even know I possessed.       Making my marriage work isn’t about what my husband is doing imperfectly but rather me finding what is perfect about my husband.  I obviously fell in love with him years ago and it is my responsibility as his wife to remember and support those qualities.

    Following some of the guidance and activities listed in Gottman’s book brought my husband and I so much closer together. We have learned to truly communicate and listen.  We no longer worry solely about our own agenda but rather the feelings and thoughts of the other person.  We no longer feel the need to endlessly defend our own position but to consider the position held by the other person.  We don’t stand our ground but rather share it with each other.

    I am beyond grateful for this book and intend to reread it often.  The teachings within it go right along with what I believe as a Latter-Day Saint regarding marriage and family.  I know that this book has forever blessed my marriage. 

If you are interested in owning this book you can buy it here:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466630900&sr=1-1&keywords=the+seven+principles+for+making+marriage+work

"Agency and Anger"

In Lynn G Robbin’s talk “Agency and Anger” he says, “A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control” (Robbins, 1998).  This is something, unfortunately, that I am very familiar with.  I often fail to control my anger, unleashing a monster on my undeserving husband.  My anger, although I have tried to justify it, is not appropriate, helpful, or becoming.  I have never once used this emotion to resolve a conflict but as it has only aided me in perpetuating the contention with my husband.

Later, in that same talk, Lynn G. Robbins says, “Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control”.  I do not find this information to be validating but rather I feel motivated.  I feel motivated to do everything I can to not give up any part of myself to Satan’s control.  Knowing now that this is a tool used by Satan makes me want to do everything I can to stop losing control.  I want to exert an awareness within myself whenever I start to lose my temper.  I want to do all I can to emulate the actions of Jesus Christ.  He had many opportunities during his earthly ministry to become angry while here on earth, yet he never did.  His grace and self mastery are something I want to foster within myself. 

Silent Fight

“Is there anything more weak or beggarly than the disposition to wear out one’s life in an unending round of bitter thoughts and scheming gestures toward those who may have affronted us?” 

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Allowing negative thoughts to fester is something I am guilty of.  When I have been let down, forgotten, or offended by my husband I often choose to fight with him in my head rather than initiate a conversation regarding how I feel. 

There have been many nights where I have laid my head down with angry words swirling through my mind, heart racing, and fists clenched.  My husband, laying beside me, ignorant to my feelings.  This is not healthy for my marriage or my well-being.  I am choosing to destroy a relationship without ever asking my husband for help in repairing it.  I am selfishly choosing to tear a relationship apart that I cherish more than any other.

I have often reflected on nights spent in self imposed emotional isolation and wondered how I could make it different? What can I do to avoid situations like this?

This week I was reading H. Wallace Goddard’s book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” and was confronted with the principle of pride, humility, and repentance.  Through realizing the pride that exists within myself I can exercise humility.  I can humbly approach my Savior asking for the grace of His Atonement to forgive me for my selfishness.  Just like any other obstacle I face within this mortal life I can turn to my Heavenly Father and his Only Begotten Son.  Through them I can change.  I can align my will with His and become the daughter He divinely created. 

I do not want to waste any time being silently angry.  I believe feeling angry is not something that innately is bad, but something that can be used as a tool for growth and change. 

I am grateful for the Atonement and its universal application.  I am grateful that Jesus Christ gave his life so that I can repent and grow.  I cherish my eternal relationship with my husband and want nothing more than to spend every interaction with him in a positive way.