Contemplating "Someone"

President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.”

In my five years of marriage I have been tempted to turn away from my husband, not into the arms of someone else, but emotionally, physically, and mentally.  Years of my marriage were spent questioning my decision. Wondering if there could be someone else out there who would be better suited for me.  Someone who didn’t possess the overwhelming shortcomings that my husband seemed to be plagued with.  Someone who would love me in a way that my husband seemed incapable of doing.

I spent time contemplating a “someone” rather than the man who I had fallen in love with, chose to be sealed to for eternity, and shared the bonds of children with.  I wasted my efforts constructing an image of a better man that I believed I deserved rather than turning that energy toward constructing a better wife for my husband.  The fantasies of a better man never turned to reality, but within my head I had planted seeds of doubt, selfishness, ingratitude, contempt, frustration, and unrest.  These seeds grew into a depression.  The darkness that penetrated my heart, mind, and soul were inescapable.  I believed my emotional unhappiness to be a direct result of the shortcomings of my husband.  I blamed him.  I disliked him.  And eventually I hated him.

I couldn’t tell you the moment when I realized the true source of my unhappiness, but I can tell you that it was truly understanding and applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ that turned my marriage around.  It was the sudden realization that I was the one that needed to seek forgiveness and not my husband.  Relief from the depression didn’t disappear instantly but a light did enter into my marriage, allowing me to navigate the different obstacles that I had built between my spouse and myself through my sin.

I am eternally grateful for the power of the Atonement and the relationship that I now have with my Heavenly Father and my husband.  The blessings I have experienced because of my marriage I know, without a doubt, are mine because of the man I chose to marry.  He is not a perfect man, but a man who is perfect for me.